A sad story begins ...

How shall I start?  So much stuff has been happening and I am not in the least pleased with some of them…. Let me just sum them up …

January 2006
I was jobless and making ends meet with whatever funds I have left.  It was a devastating moment that I nearly wanted to end my life.  I had sent out nearly 70 resumes and all I got were rejections.  The road was ending for me and I lost my sanity.  There was no more belief in my religion or other people anymore.  This whole month was a crucial one for me …

February 2006
Yes!  I’ve finally gotten myself a job with a European company.  A whole new start and I hoped for a better future.  

March 2006
He came and we spent time together.  I was pleased but not extremely overjoyed cos there’re too much stuff on my mind.  At the end of the month, he whisked me off to Perth and it was a wonderful time spent but still something is tugging on my mind.  I am unsure of what is going on between us now.  I love him so much and I do not want to lose him but I know it’s impossible between us.  There’s just too many barriers.  I really felt like ending it cos of the barriers and of the bad news that I received about my blood test but can I nurse the pain?  Will my life get back in track?  Will I be able to let go of all those wonderful memories between us?  Am I able to get on without him?  NO!!!!!!!!!  So that’s why I decided to just leave it as it is …

April 2006
Nothing much happened except for my failing health.  I am now popping uncountable pills to just get through each day.  Nobody knows my pain.  Nobody knows of my sickness.  I hid all medical receipts and reports away, not only to avoid others from finding out but to void myself of the pain when reading them.  How shall I tell my family?  How shall I tell him?  Years of living my life unmedicated has caused my illness to escalate to a more serious level.  Yes, I have always been a stubborn one.  I am always in denial.  I refuse to accept the fact that I am sick.  I refuse to let others see my suffering.  I refuse to let others see my health flailing and my body grew weaker day by day.  Lies I gave to queries about my pale outlook, about my massive weight loss, about bruises all over my body.  My answers would be “Ah, the usual flu n fever…. Ah, I’m on a vegetable and fruit diet … Ah, I knock myself against the table…”  To stop inquisitive minds, I started to put on make up to freshen up my look and divert their attention to something else the minute they start asking.  Ah!  My life is a stage.  I pretend and I assume the role of a positive, healthy woman.  When in fact I am going crazy just thinking about how my life would be or would end…

May 2006
We met in Bangkok and my health has deteriorated.  I had to hide my medication from him and instead popped my usual contraceptive pills and vitamins in front of him.  Though sick and tired, I pretended to be lively and healthy.  When we made love, though painful and uncomfortable, I grit my teeth and satisfied him.  And that caused the final blow.  I collapsed and was only revived in hospital.    Found out my liver and spleen are enlarged and I need a surgery.  All these while I though hemopylic anemia was just a normal anemia and will recover with enough medication.  It’s all too late now, either surgery or suffer… I chose the latter.  Why?  Cos I felt my life in this world is no longer worthy.  Cos the people that I loved are slowly leaving.  As I lay on my hospital bed, absorbing the pain slowly and tears rolled down, I suddenly realized, I’ve not heard from him at all.  My text messages went unreplied.  And when he finally did reply, and I told him of my condition, he nonchalant response knocked me off.  He was as cold as the arctic ice, his curt replies were so sharp, they pierced right through my heart causing it to bleed slowly.  I had never felt so unwanted before.  Just days before, we shared our warmth and love on the bed, our cuddles and hugs in taxi rides, our whispers drinking the night away and now what I got was just 2-3 text messages with short, cold replies.  No more “baby”, no more “honey”, no more “I love you”, no more “I miss you”.  I felt used.  I felt abused.  I felt so empty and so worthless now.  I’ve sacrificed so much to be with him and now I’m no longer important in his life.  Now that I’m sick, I guess I am no more use to him or anyone else.  Nevermind that my family didn’t visit me at all the whole week I was in hospital.  I don’t care about all of them.  I only had him in my thoughts.  I only wanted his kind, warm thoughts to help me through this sickness.  Now I’ve lost it all.  No family, no friends, no him.

Crying doesn’t help.  Screaming doesn’t help.  Physically and mentally I am now useless.  My right hip is in so much pain I can’t even make a step without me screaming in pain.  My hair is falling in clumps over the last few days and my body is covered with bruises.

As I write this, I am filled with so much sadness, so much pain and so much regret…  I wish life would end for me soon enough so that I’ll be free of all this misery.  

I wish for nothing more now…

I take my leave and all I want is for him to realize how much I love him and how much he meant to me.  Everything has ended now.


So that’s the summary of all the months I went missing.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again, ever.  I just want to rest now.  I’m tired….